And it’s important that we kick off the year with the most highly coveted film prize of them all: the Movie Marmite Man Awards!
Also known as the Marmies, the Movie Marmite Man Awards mixes glitz and glamour together with prestige and harsh cynicism. Both the best- and the worst- movies of the year will be rewarded for their achievements in cinema for the second year running.
2013 had some highs, but an awful lot of lows. It’s been a really mixed bag this year, and for the most part, it’s been pretty dreadful, with four films scoring zero out of five and over a third of the films I watched this year scoring below average.
Unlike last year, there were very few real standout Blockbusters and Oscar bait dramas, so the films nominated for the Movie of the Year really are the cream of the crop.
Improving dramatically over last year, I managed to watch 36 films in 2013. Many of them were good, few of them were great, and plenty of them were awful.
So, I now present to you, the Second Annual Movie Marmite Man Awards!
Superhero Movie of the Year
The Nominees:
Iron Man 3- an action packed adventure
The Lone Ranger (2013)- a very Wild West ride
Man of Steel- neck breaking visuals
Thor: The Dark World- a silly spectacle
The Wolverine- claws galore
And the Winner Is:
Crammed full with superhero adventures, incredible action sequences and fire breathing super soldiers, Iron Man 3 had everything any superhero film fan could want.
Action Movie of the Year
The Nominees:
Iron Man 3- an explosive extravaganza
The Lone Ranger (2013)–gun fights and train chases
The Wolverine- fights with robots, samurais and assassins
The World's End- kick-ass alien androids in a rural setting
And the Winner is:
Skyfall sucked, and The Wolverine was the Bond film I never got.
Horror Movie of the Year
The Nominees:
The Conjuring- scary dolls and creepy clapping
Insidious: Chapter 2- astral projection with evil ghosts
And the Winner is:
It’s been a big year for director James Wan, as both of his horror films were hits at the box office. Even though The Conjuring had some good moments, it was his Insidious follow up that was a more watchable, more chilling horror movie.
Drama of the Year
The Nominees:
The Great Gatsby (2013)- Gatsby shows us why he’s great
Life of Pi- Lifeboats, tigers and tears, oh my!
The Sessions- a powerful ponderer
No- intelligent and important
Prisoners (2013)- harrowing and horryfying
And the Winner is:
Not only does No have an incredibly momentous message, it also tells us a powerful story in a very clever and engaging way.
Thriller of the Year
The Nominees:
Argo- high stakes political thriller
The Call (2013)- terrifying tension
Cloud Atlas- a thrilling journey through time
Gravity- intergalactic thrills
And the Winner is:
The Hunger Games sequel delivered exactly what the audience wanted- thrills, spills and, of course, Katniss. It was a great film, and a hugely enjoyable thriller.
Best ‘Oscar Bait’ Film of the Year
The Nominees:
Argo- Patriotic spy thriller about the movie biz
Life of Pi- boy on boat with tiger
Prisoners (2013)- tortured souls torture man
The Sessions- disabled man loses virginity
Silver Linings Playbook- mental health made madcap
And the Winner is:
Not only does Silver Linings Playbook portray mental health problems in a realistic and believable way, it also has some amazing performances by its central actors and a wonderful finale. It should have won Best Picture last year at the Oscars, not the inferior Argo.
Animated Movie of the Year
The Nominees:
Frozen (2013)- Festive fantasy frolic
Monsters University- Battle of the Fraternities
Wreck-It Ralph- Action packed extravaganza
And the Winner is:
Wreck-It Ralphis an animated movie that has it all: a clever story, great loveable characters, amazing action sequences and most importantly of all, heart.
Worst prequel, sequel, remake or reboot
The Nominees:
A Good Day To Die Hard- a sequel that completely ruined the series
Les Misérables (2012)- truly terrible trashy tat
Oldboy (2013)- a remake that doesn’t need to exist
Oz the Great and Powerful- absolutely awful and unnecessaryprequel
And the Winner is:
We all knew Oldboy would be dreadful, but we all hoped that the newest Die Hard film would be, at the very least, moderately enjoyable. It wasn’t. It was horrifically horrendous.
Biggest Disappointment of the Year
The Nominees:
A Good Day To Die Hard- characters, and coherent story and directing gets pushed to one side
Les Misérables (2012)- slushy sentimental sap
Man of Steel- cycles between boring melodrama and insane action
Pacific Rim- Godzilla vs Transformers= cinematic disaster
The Place Beyond the Pines- the third act ruins the entire movie
And the Winner is:
Given Guillermo’s track record, I knew that Pacific Rim would be crap, and as much as I hated A Good Day to Die Hard, Man of Steel was such a let-down. Even though I had braced myself for it, Man of Steel sucked. I didn’t want it to, but it did, even with Sir Christopher Nolan’s involvement. What a shame- it could have been spectacular, but was instead banal and bland.
Most Unnecessarily Disgusting or Disturbing Moment
The Nominees:
The final torture scene in The Call (2013)
The slave being eaten by dogs in Django Unchained
An innocent man being raped in I'm So Excited
Incestuous rape in Movie 43
The football team being massacred and the torture scene in Oldboy (2013)
The bonfire dance in Spring Breakers
The spider crawling up the vagina and the masturbation shower scene in Stoker
And the Winner is:
They all deserve to win, but the reason why The Call beat out the competition was because, unlike the other movies, it was actually a good film until this scene happened- and this unnecessary sequence almost destroyed the entire movie. The rest of the nominees were beyond saving.
Most Exciting Action Sequence
The Nominees:
Luisa Rey’s segment in Cloud Atlas
The destruction of the space station in Gravity
The barrel chase in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
The aeroplane obliteration and fall out in Iron Man 3
The bullet train fight in The Wolverine
And the Winner is:
I loved the bullet train scene in The Wolverine, and Gravity had some incredibly tense and exciting action sequences, but it was Iron Man 3 that had the best overall standalone action sequence in which Iron Man must save the passengers who have just fallen out of an exploded aeroplane.
Worst Ending
The Nominees:
The pastiche/parody of Hans Gruber’s death in Die Hard in A Good Day To Die Hard
The torture scene in The Call (2013)
The dustbin scene in The East
The barricade in ‘heaven’ in Les Misérables (2012)
The third part of The Place Beyond the Pines
The green night vision ‘action scene’ in Zero Dark Thirty
And the Winner is:
There were so many things wrong with A Good Day to Die Hard, but the ending, when we discover that everyone was in on it so that they can steal nuclear weapons or something, made no sense at all, and then top it all off, Bruce Willis and his son then defy the laws of gravity by jumping out of a window and falling into the window directly underneath it, without using rope. One villain also thought it would be a clever idea to drive their helicopter into a building in order to enact revenge, as if this couldn’t go badly wrong. But let’s not forget the worst part - because it takes the piss out of the original (and far superior) film- by throwing the villain off of the top of a building for no reason except to brutally murder both the character and the entire franchise.
Worst Dialogue
The Nominees:
The entire absurd banter in A Good Day To Die Hard
The “IT’S GOOD” dustbin scene in The East
Anything spoken in Movie 43
The recurring Grandma telephone conversation and James Franco’s dialogue in Spring Breakers
Any line spoken by any character in Stoker
And the Winner is:
The East was such a terrible film, mainly because it took itself so bloody seriously and failed spectacularly at everything it tried to say and do. This arrogance on part of the filmmakers is exemplified in the final scene where the main character rifles through a dustbin and eats an apple out of it, whilst screaming “IT’S GOOD!” This terrible dialogue is the antithesis of what I actually thought about the movie, this scene and the script- because IT’S TERRIBLE.
Stupidest, Most Nonsensical and Unintentionally Funny Death Scene
The Nominees:
Yuri Komarov’s (Sebastian Koch) ‘sky dive’ in A Good Day To Die Hard
Dr Schultz’s (Christoph Waltz) being blasted in Django Unchained
Izzy (Ellen Page-the little boy from Juno) being given an autopsy in The East
Javert (Russell Crowe) splatting in the river in Les Misérables (2012)
Jonathan Kent (Kevin Costner) being sucked into a hurricane for no reason in Man of Steel
Alien (James Franco) being randomly gunned down in Spring Breakers
And the Winner is:
Can someone please tell me why Javert’s body had to splat and crack at the same time after he jumps off of a bridge and lands into a river? I assume this was meant to be horrific, but instead it was hilarious. This was, by far and away, one of the only good things about this terrible film. And let’s not forget he committed suicide for one of the stupidest reasons ever.
Special Award for Best Performance by Inanimate Objects
The Space Debris in Gravity
Since the Space Debris (and Outer Space itself) was the ‘monster’ in B-Movie style sci-fi thriller Gravity, it only seems right to award it with Best Performance by Inanimate Objects, because, without it, Gravity would just be Sandra Bullock panting in a space suit for an hour and a half. And the moments when the Space Debris was on-screen were Gravity’s best bits, as they were simultaneously visually sumptuous and tautly terrifying.
Special Award for Uglifying oneself to win an Oscar
And the Winner is:
Anne Hathaway for Les Misérables (2012)
If I shaved my head and screeched a terrible song at the top of my lungs with no teeth whilst pretending to die, I’m sure I’d win an Oscar too!
Worst Director
The Nominees:
Pedro Almodóvar for I'm So Excited
Zal Batmanglij for The East
Guillermo Del Toro for Pacific Rim
Tom Hooper for Les Misérables (2012)
Spike Lee for Oldboy (2013)
John Moore for A Good Day To Die Hard
The 13 directors who contributed to Movie 43
And the Winner is:
John Moore for A Good Day To Die Hard
It was close, but I just can’t forgive John Moore for filming a car chase in close up and failing to understand the very basics of visual storytelling. And also for ruining the Die Hard franchise and for making such an awful film.
Worst Performance in a Supporting Role
The Nominees:
Javier Cámara, Raúl Arévalo and Carlos Areces as the gay air stewards in I'm So Excited
Dane DeHaan as Jason and Emory Cohen as AJ in The Place Beyond the Pines
The Entire Cast, including Hugh Jackman’s neck testicles, of Movie 43
James Franco as Alien in Spring Breakers
Matthew Goode as Uncle Charlie in Stoker
Elizabeth Olsen as Marie Sebastian in Oldboy (2013)
Rafe Spall as Writer in Life of Pi
Quentin Tarantino as the Australian Man in Django Unchained
And the Winner is:
James Franco as Alien in Spring Breakers
He probably thought he was being funny or ironic or something, but he just made himself look like an idiot. In all fairness, he was probably as high as a kite when he filmed both this and Oz the Great and Powerful anyway.
Worst Performance in a Leading Role
The Nominees:
Ben Affleck as Tony Mendez in Argo
James Franco as Oz in Oz the Great and Powerful
Martin Freeman as Martin Freeman in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Brit Marling as Sarah in The East
Mia Wasikowska as India Stoker in Stoker
Bruce Willis as John McClane in A Good Day To Die Hard
And the Winner is:
Brit Marling as Sarah in The East
It really wasn't a very hard choice because, wow, Brit, you really can’t act. You also can’t write. Perhaps you should just give up now and quietly and respectfully leave the entertainment industry. We’d all appreciate it if you did.
Worst Movie of the Year (that wasn’t rated zero stars)
The Nominees:
A Good Day To Die Hard- a terrible, ludicrous, awful action film
Les Misérables- a slushy, soppy sack of shit
Oz the Great and Powerful- unnecessary, sexist and stupid
Spring Breakers- art house wannabe for the You Tube generation
Stoker- a disgustingly bad, stupid thriller
And the Winner is:
This might come as a surprise, but as much as I hated A Good Day to Die Hard, I truly detested Stoker because it was just so hateful. Not only was the story horrible, the acting, directing and everything else about it was completely appalling. And what makes it worse than A Good Day to Die Hard is the fact that it took itself so seriously, even though everything about it is ridiculous and nonsensical. It also had a spider crawling up the main character’s vagina. Need I say anymore?
Worst Movie of the Year
The Nominees:
The East- self-righteous pious political puke
I'm So Excited- horribly unfunny comedy
Movie 43- excessively offensive exercise in how not to make a movie
Oldboy (2013)- stupid, pointless, unnecessary remake
And the Winner is:
They all truly deserve to win, but I don’t want to cop out and have a tie. Instead I had to choose based on which film would make me have the worst physical and psychological reaction against if I was forced to watch it again for torture, a la A Clockwork Orange. Movie 43 was so repulsive, so dreadful, so awful that it deserves to be known not only as the worst film of the year, but also one of the worst films ever made.
Lifetime Achievement Award for Destroying the Credibility of the Entire Movie Industry
And the Winner is:
John Moore
Director of A Good Day to Die Hard, John Moore has only ever been successful at making terrible movies, including Max Payne, The Omen remake, and box office bomb The Flight of the Phoenix. Beginning in commercials, John Moore has proven time and time again that he only cares about visuals in spite of storytelling- but proved his stunning ignorance of this coveted ‘skill’ by filming a car chase through Moscow in only close ups. If you can’t imagine why this would be a bad idea, then, like Moore, you know nothing about filmmaking.
With another film lined up for 2015, John Moore is a stunning example of proof that even if you’re completely incompetent, you can still somehow succeed in the movie industry.
Best Director
The Nominees:
Alfonso Cuarón for Gravity
Pablo Larraín for No
Ang Lee for Life of Pi
Rich Moore for Wreck-It Ralph
Denis Villeneuve for Prisoners (2013)
And the Winner is:
Pablo Larraín for No
There’s no denying that all of my nominees deserve to win, but No used incredibly simple but yet very effective techniques that really made it such an intelligently directed movie. The fact that it was all filmed on 80s video cameras, so that Larraín could cut between his own work and stock footage at crucial moments to make you feel that the events were really happening was excellent. Also, the fact that the real adverts were shown to the audience was also a tribute and testament to just how clever the ‘No’ campaign was.
Best Performance in a Supporting Role
The Nominees:
Samantha Banks as Éponine in Les Misérables (2012)
Halle Berry as Luisa Rey in Cloud Atlas
Abigail Breslin as Casey Welson in The Call (2013)
The Entire Supporting Cast of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Rebecca Hall as Dr Maya Hansen in Iron Man 3
Tao Okamoto as Mariko in The Wolverine
And the Winner is:
Halle Berry as Luisa Rey in Cloud Atlas
Cloud Atlas may have had a lot of problems, but Halle Berry as Luisa Rey was the best part of the film- it was so good in fact that I almost wanted it to be a movie in its own right. Halle Berry’s brilliant performance made Luis Rey one of the few characters that I genuinely cared about, proving once again why she’s at the top of her game.
Best Performance in a Leading Role
The Nominees:
Bradley Cooper as Pat in Silver Linings Playbook
Johnny Depp as Tonto in The Lone Ranger (2013)
Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby in The Great Gatsby (2013)
Jake Gyllenhaal as Detective Loki in Prisoners (2013)
John Hawkes as Mark in The Sessions
Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
And the Winner is:
Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Jennifer Lawrence deservedly won the Academy Award for Best Actress last year for Silver Linings Playbook, but I think that her performance in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is just as good, if not better. She’s a wonderful actress, and she takes the fairly stodgily written part of Katniss and makes her absorbingly amazing.
Weekly Roundup ‘Pick’ of the Year
The Nominees:
The Clinic (2010)- disturbingly disgusting horror thriller
The Maid- slow burning character drama
Monte Carlo- heart-warming chick flick
Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire- gritty and potent drama
TransAmerica- provocatively powerful road movie
And the Winner is:
It was a very close call, but The Maid just about managed to win me over not only because of it’s extremely strong lead actress, but also because it is a very rare example of a character driven drama in which not much really happens in terms of plot- but is still incredibly mesmerizing and not at all boring to watch. It also has a very potent message and is very cleverly directed.
Movie of the Year
The Nominees:
Frozen (2013)- exciting and poignant musical animation
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire- taut and thrilling action drama
Iron Man 3- explosive superhero adventure
Life of Pi- poignant tragedy with a tiger
Silver Linings Playbook- uplifting and gratifying melodrama
Wreck-It Ralph- heart-pounding action adventure
And the Winner is:
It was my highest rated film this year for a reason- because it was brilliant. Wreck-It Ralphproves that Disney is finally making good animated classics again, as the film is exciting, funny, heart-warming and tense. Mix that together with great characters, an original and well developed plot, a few twists and turns, a lot of mayhem and even a love story; Wreck-It Ralph certainly has everything you could want out of a movie: and that’s why it deserves the honour of being the Movie Marmite Man’s Movie of the Year.
Thanks once again for joining me for the annual Movie Marmite Man Awards!
Even though 2013 was, in some ways, thoroughly disappointing, there were still some wonderful films that managed to rise above the dreadful dregs.
But I’m going to remain optimistic and hope that 2014 will be a wonderful year! There’s already a lot to look forward to, but I hope that there will be loads of surprises along the way!
Until next time: thanks for reading!
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